A Nuclear Christmas Story
by
Leonard Treman
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Fattygumdrop, the snowman who won’t die: the protagonist a snowman who goes around telling stories.
The Fugitive: Crossed the radioactive wastelands to the small town to try to get shelter from the dictator ship he’d fled.
The Mayor: Regulates Snowman policy and governs the town.
Small child and mother: Fattygumdrop tries to talk to them just to have them run
Townsfolk:
SETTING: In a surviving town in New Hampshire following the nuclear holocaust that claimed the world. The town is cast in eternal nuclear winter and confined to a small plot of land do to being surrounded by fallout. It’s nearing Christmas time and few feel inclined to celebrate.
TIME: December 24th midday in the year 2043.
AT RISE: The Mayor of Littleton giving a speech.
Exposition
The Mayor of Littleton speaks to too new arrivals at his podium:
In Littleton, we survived the nuclear holocaust of 2022. The survivors of this small town are caught surrounded by radiation and confined to their town and the nearby surrounding fields as I’m sure you’re well aware. In this dull remnant of the world, few can find joy except for the snowmen.
Snow men are people who have been exposed to high amounts of radiation and electromagnetic pulses. The charge from the pulses combined with the polarity of water and the surrounding snow causes the victims to magnetically attract snow to their bodies.
This causes them to be covered in snow and be called a snow man. They are often shunned by other people and left to die in solitude because of the deadly effects of their radiation. Due to their isolation the snowmen will often go mad and tell stories to random townsfolk at a distance to take up the time before they eventually die of radiation poisoning. We let them walk around because their families will not see them killed, presuming they follow the rules and keep a safe distance.
One particularly annoying snowman won’t die and has been walking the town for a decade. He survives by begging the children for carrots who love to see him grovel. In fact, he’s probably at it right now. If you see him just say, “go away fattygumdrop,” and he’ll let you be.
Fade out.
Scene Fades into the middle of the street where fattygumdrop the snowman is looking to tell stories.
Fattygumdrop spots a small child and runs over to tell him a story.
He stands a few feet away from the child and cocks his head to the side.
Fattygumdrop: Hello may I tell you a story?
The child’s mother swoops in and whisks him away.
Fattygumdrop sits down sadly and looks to the sky as mother and child exit stage right running.
Fattygumdrop: No one will ever listen to me.
A fugitive from across the waste enters from stage left and falls down in front of fattygumdrop onto the floor. He is covered in green radioactive fallout.
The Fugitive Shouts: Curse it all, I made it out of the dictatorship and through the fields full of radiation just to be exposed at the end of my journey.
A big smile forms on fattygumdrop’s lips and he claps his hands laughing strangely.
The fugitive looks up at fattygumdrop and reaches out toward him, he’s still ont he ground.
The Fugitive: Are you an angel?
Fattygumdrop: No, I’m irradiated. May I tell you a story?
The Fugitive: Sure, I have a bit of time to kill.
The Fugitive then coughs up some green spew that used to be one of his organs.
Fattygumdrop smiles.
Fattygumdrop : Long ago in the oppressive lands of the North. There was a man with an army of midget warriors. The man was the greatest general the world had ever seen. He oppressed his midget subjects by making them wear green pointy clothing and exposing them to radiation to grow their ears out. Out of fear they respected and made weapons for him.
The Fugitive: I just came from an oligarchy, can we skip the depressing tyrannical dictator stuff?
Fattygumdrop nods apologetically and continues.
Fattygumdrop: Ok, ok, so the dictator kept these flying reindeer. They all had bat like wings that grew from their backs due to exposure from radiation. The dictator in red would keep the six best reindeer for his own personal flag sleigh. His midget army would get to choose from the rejects.
The Fugitive starts thrashing in anger.
The Fugitive: Remember I asked you to lay off on the oppression stuff?
Fattygumdrop had an empathetic look on his face.
Fattygumdrop: Alright, I will.
Fattygumdrop appears to have forgotten what he just said and continues, this time he is singing.
Fattygumdrop: So there were six reindeer on the flag sleigh. There was Dahmer and Bundi and BTK, Charles Manson and Timothy Mcveigh. But do you recall the most retarded reindeer of all? Spunky the retard reindeer had a very tiny brain, and if you ever saw him. You’d probably think he’s lame. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. That was until the sleigh, got hit by AA fire and went down in flames.
The Fugitive smiles as he remembers.
The Fugitive: I once knew a song like that called Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.
Fattygumdrop shakes with rage and pulls the carrot he’d been storing on his nose out and jabs it into the Fugitives eye. Blood and pus go everywhere. Fattygumdrop is now yelling.
Fattygumdrop: Don’t say that accursed name ever again!
Fattygumdrop’s rage disappears and he’s smiling once more.
The Fugitive: Please, just go on with the story.
Fattygumdrop: So, there was a vacancy for a spot on the flag sleigh. Naturally everyone wanted to be the reindeer to replace the dead one. All of the reindeer got together and decided to have a race. The one that could fly the fastest would replace spunky. There was a reindeer named Chipaldo who dreamed for his whole life about being that reindeer. When he was young he was bathed in radiation to get his wings and a bit of waste splashed on his nose causing it to glow green. Because of his glowing nose Chipaldo was discriminated against his entire life. He had major psychological issues due to the fact he never got any sleep because his nose was so bright.
The Fugitive: So, one foggy night he got his chance right?
Fattygumdrop: How did you know?
The Fugitive: You’re copying Rudolf
Fattygumdrop pulls the carrot out of the Fugitives eye and the Fugitive screams in agony. Fattygumdrop begins yelling again.
Fattygumdrop: I am an artist. I do not copy, I create!
Some of the townsfolk looked over at Fattygumdrop and the dying fugitive with concern then go back to their business a moment later.
The Fugitive: So, what happened then?
Fattygumdrop: Well, on a foggy night, the green pedophile on top of mount smokey was watching from above. He plotted to have his dog to be dressed up as a moose and try to sneak in and compete with the reindeer. The dog would win the race, but he’d be unable to fly causing the sleigh to lose balance and crash. This would kill the dictator in red freeing the land of oppression and path the way for democracy. Democracy that would surely allow their hero to commit all the pedophilia he wanted as a thank you.
The Fugitive: Dude you are totally fucked up!
Fattygumdrop: I am aren’t I?
Fattygumdrop began to laugh for an awkward amount of time.
The Fugitive interrupts.
The Fugitive: Please hurry, I’d like to hear the rest of the story before I die.
Fattygumdrop: So, the green man mad a red suit with no pants and a hat. Then the green man strapped some antlers to his dog’s head and began to sled down the mountain toward the oppressed little town. By this time the race had finished and Chipaldo had lost. With his dreams shattered he was trying to commit suicide unsuccessfully. Each time he jumped off the bridge he’d instinctively fly and save himself.
The Fugitive starts to convulse but Fattygumdrop doesn’t seem to notice.
Fattygumdrop: Meanwhile the dictator in red was preparing his sleigh for another bombing run of the nearby town, Thewhoville.
The Fugitive: Hurry my organs are beginning to liquefy. I must hear the end.
Fattygumdrop: So the green man in the red suit and the dictator crashed in a t-bone crash and all involved parties died instantly. This all had happened under the bridge that Chipaldo is jumping. Chipaldo goes over to see what was going on after hearing the crash and the oppressed midget army finds him there mistaking him for their liberator. For the rest of Chipaldo’s life he is hailed as a hero.
The Fugitive: That was a really screwed up story but it was pretty good.
The fugitive takes his last breath and dies.
Fattygumdrop sighs and starts to talk aloud in contemplation.
Fattygumdrop: The only person to actually listen to my stories has died. I have no one to tell my stories to once again.
Mayor and villagers enter stage right and stage left. The townsfolk all are clapping and cheering. The mayor steps forward.
The Mayor: Fattygumdrop with your glow and stories so bright will you come to our Christmas feast tonight?
Fattygumdrop: Of course. Throughout my entire life I’ve dreamt of making your lives less grey metaphorically and more grey radiationwise.
The whole cast exits stage right, each member taking care not to get close to Fattygumdrop out of fear of irradiation.
The End
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