By Leonard Treman
You Found Nothing
“For twenty long years I have sat, strapped to my chair. I am not allowed to remove my muzzle, nor is there anyone who’d listen to me or my story. For twenty long years I’ve been trying to expose the spy that now sits in the cabinet of our current president,” the man in the strait jacket said.
James was quite bored. There’s no other word that can as easily describe a dreary day at the nut house for one of the low level attendants. They weren’t allowed to surf the internet any longer as they observed the patients as one of his co-workers who is, by the decision of upper management, remaining nameless, decided to watch pornography on the hospital computer.
Unfortunately for Greg, we all know that it was him, the patients while slightly out of their minds, could be bribed to spy on the co-workers. Which is why, James was talking to this particularly looney man today. There was a good chance that Cindy, his current girlfriend, was cheating on him with Greg. If Cindy was indeed cheating on him with Greg, as the supervisor, James would fire them both.
With the plan finally set; all that needed to be known was if there were any signs. This old bat sat in the room between their desks and was constantly staring out the window. He would have seen any things going on between the two. To top it off, this potential spy was supposedly criminally insane and not schizophrenic like the rest. While the bastard may have delusionary fits, for the most part he was grounded in reality. His only issue was that he claims to be a Brock Stogen, an FBI agent who never existed. In reality he was a homeless man who murdered and ate three people.
“Ok, let’s go through this one more time,” James said slowly and degradingly.
“God Damnit, I already told you I’m not crazy and I’ll help you only if you meet my demands,” Barney said.
“Barney, you know I can’t let you out,” James replied in the same slow demeaning tone.
“I’m Brock, and I can prove it!” Brock exclaimed.
James let out a sigh of frustration and turned around. If he snooped through the Greg’s files he might find an incriminating email or something.
As James continued texting Brock paced, and then knocked his hand on the glass in three short raps.
“What is it, I’m busy?” James said sternly.
“Greg left his facebook chat open, and guess what else-,” Brock started only to be interrupted by James practically gurgling with excitement.
To James’s glee he found the facebook to be open to Greg’s profile.
James turned around and said, “You’re getting double portions of macaroni today.”
“I know plenty about all the people Cindy is sleeping with, and I’d be keen to tell you if you’d listen to me for a bit,” Brock said.
James practically fell out of his seat onto the floor. “What did you say?”
“Your girlfriend is sleeping with three guys at the moment. I even know their names and the addresses of two of them. If you’ll do something for me I can show you all the information you’ll need on the matter,” Barney said.
James stopped for a moment, looking at Barney square in the eyes. The man had sharp eyes and had a scowl. His hair was neatly kept and his clothing were pristinely straight. The man looked trust worthy were it not for the location.
“Do you have any proof?” James asked.
“Of course, in the FBI, one of the key things we need to convict anyone is a solid case backed by proof,” Barney said as he pointed to a drawer on the desk.
“Open the third drawer from the bottom,” Barney said.
James rolled his eyes at the thought of how silly this was, but the guy was right about the facebook status so why not entertain the idea.
As James opened the door, he immediately felt the handle to be sticky. As the door slid open and the light fell upon it, he saw a pair of laced panties. They were purple, and had one little bow on a certain area of the crotch.
“They banged in the restroom during lunch hour; Cindy did her report an hour before hand. She asked to work through lunch hour to have sex with Greg. You’ll find the submission information if you look,” Barney said with a straight face, a grin started to form on the very corners.
James quickly ran to the lunch room to wash his hands. Upon his return he checked the files and sure enough, Cindy submitted nothing on her lunch hour.
“So there were two more guys?” James asked as he once again approached the cell containing Barney.
“Yep, but before I tell you anything more, you’ll get me something?”
“I won’t get you anything that may worsen your disability,” James said firmly.
“What about some scotch and some toilet bowl cleaner?” Barney asked.
“Why do you need those?” asked James.
“The scotch is because my head aches from my next door neighbor howling at the moon all night, the toilet cleaner is because the maids do a shitty job,” Barney said.
“Fair enough, who’s the next guy?” James asked.
“I’ll tell you when you get me what I asked,” Barney said grumbling as he fumbled over to his bed and laid down.
Within ten minutes Barey had in his cell, a bottle of scotch a glass and a container of toilet bowl cleaner.
“So who are they?” asked Barney.
“Have you noticed that Cindy comes back from her book club awful tired?” Barney said.
“Yes, and?” asked James.
“The book club’s President Carl; bought her the diamond necklace you were wondering about. You know the one you nearly broke up with her over. She showed you the receipt and that she bought it. Well he gave her the receipt, which he would have usually kept despite having paid in cash. Luck her right?” Barney sneered.
James back in his chair, letting it take on his full weight. Barney was right, he knew it, he let her get away with it because she said she paid in cash and had the receipt with her so quickly.
“If you want the next, one I’d like a few more cleaning supplies, here’s the list,” Barney said and he paused.
“Oh, you’ll really want to know this one, it pertains to the new car you leased,” Barney said.
“What!?!?” asked James screaming. He’d never leased a car.
“I never leased a car!” James yelled.
“Oh, but someone has using your name, I have the details if you have the goods,” Barney said with the list sticking through the hole in the asylum cell.
James snatched the list out of Barney’s hand and ran in a full sprint to the supply closet. He should have known that she was going to rob him. That skanky whore, she was playing him the whole time, James though angrily grabbing entire shelves worth of extra supplies.
“Damn it!” James said slamming his hands against the door in a loud thud that startled even the facilities restless residents.
James rushed back and practically jammed the bag of cleaning supplies into the psycho’s room.
“Thank you, and as promised, I’ll tell you,” Barney said pausing.
“Cindy said that she stores the keys in her purse, go check if you are skeptical. When you find them, call a lawyer. If you talk to her you may get angry and we might end up cell mates,” Barney advised.
James didn’t even say another word as he rushed out to his car and gunned his way home. He cut a red light or two on his way; however, he still went close enough to the speed limit where he could slow down if a police car pulled him over.
As he pulled into his driveway and dashed into the house, he found Cindy sitting in front of one of her stupid drama tv shows, in tears.
“Where are they!” yelled James.
“Where are what?” Cindy asked.
“The key to the car!?” James demanded.
“In your hand,” Cindy said, slightly confused and scared, with a slight hinge of relief in her eyes.
“The one you bought using my name, you bitch!” James roared.
Cindy’s face was now framed with fear, “We should get you to a hospital, are you ok?” she said sympathetically.
“I’m fine, now quit your stalling, I know what you did!, I know everyone you’ve fucked!!” James yelled.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cindy said as he began to back toward the corner.
James pulled her panties out of his pocket and held them for her to see.
“Then what are these? Huh!?” James screamed.
Without a seconds delay Cindy said, “I’m on my period and my pad soaked through, don’t you remember my days of the month?” she asked.
James then noticed the blood on the panties. Though it was cleaned it seemed semi apparent.
“What about the necklace?” James asked.
“We’ve covered this a million times, I bought it using the money from my bank account, I can show you the withdraw sheet if you’d like,” Cindy said nearly in tears again.
“So, you didn’t use my name to buy a car?” James asked.
“No, we’re not married yet; I can’t use your accounts. You aren’t using your head; I’m worried you were injured in the explosion,” Cindy said.
“What explosion?” James asked.
“The explosion in our ward, I thought you were dead,” Cindy said pointing at the TV.
The TV showed Barney screaming as the medics wheeled him off in the stretcher. He was yelling, “I have found it. I’ve found the proof,” he then yanked a blood covered ear out from under his sheets and the medics immediately put him under anesthesia.
The letters on the screen yelled, Asylum patient builds bomb, staff missing or dead.
James then said, “Oh, shit!”